when I was 36 looked at ‘when I’m 64’

jim 3

when I look at this picture I think of how lost I was at the time.
drove truck during the day and took long walks with the wolf on mountain trails until dark.
played music with the two girls down the street every other night.
visited friends in town and drank beer on friday and saturday nights unless I was hunting females. and tequila.
chased women in rio and stumptown and rosa on friday and saturday nights and was usually lucky.
chased women away the next day when all of a sudden they wanted to spend the weekend.
moped around from time to time thinking of that space cased girl with the blue crazy eyes and lopsided smile.
took the dog to the river in the good weather almost every day after work so he could achieve obsessive ball returner status again and again.
sat on the back deck far above the descending hill pointed west south west into the sequoia and just stared.
enjoyed the flood of February 1986 which overflowed the banks of the russian river and kept me from work for a couple days.
the wolf and I had a generator, cb radio, an early vhs unit, a bunch of movies and beer, tequila and a cupboard full of produce.
the neighbors were at the door in no time asking about the power and then seeing the movies and smelling the popcorn and beer, invited themselves and their families down for the evening.
had about 20 people in my living room for two afternoons and evenings.
it was the first time any of them had met each other or found out each others names.
I knew who they all were but didn’t bother them with that.
after that everybody waved and honked their horns and left bones for chevy chaser the wolf faced boy.
after the flood everything on that twisting road in the forest was different.
after that when those thoughts of those crazy blue eyes wouldn’t leave me alone the beauty of the forest hurt.
from time to time I would say her name out loud and my wolf would say, “I love you”.
once in awhile I would say her name and he’d say “hello”.
it felt like an ice pick in the heart and he looked like he felt it too.
but heck, that’s just me anthropomorphising again.

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